My spouse can take care of himself, you may be thinking as you came across this post, but my child cannot. And that’s 100% true. Our children depend on us for everything from the moment of conception.

They have genuine needs that go beyond food and shelter, but safety, comfort, and love, too. So why should a spouse come before a child? And how do we even make that happen?

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Priorities in marriage

Almost certainly, a controversial belief for any young woman in today’s world is the idea that our spouse should come before our kids. Yet, I firmly believe that prioritizing our spouse before our kids is an essential ingredient to a happy marriage.

Far too often, mothers put their children above their spouses, and it weighs on a marriage. When I say your spouse should come before your child, I am not saying your child’s needs will go unmet.

There will be specific seasons when a child comes first and takes most if not all of your time. When our children are infants, they require a lot of time and energy. When our kiddos are sick, again, they become the priority. But they shouldn’t stay the priority.

Should your spouse be your first priority?

First, this is a trick question. Your spouse should never be your first priority. Your first priority should be God.

Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. - Matthew 10:37, NIV

We see it repeated in the Bible that God should have our heart, soul, and mind. He should be our first priority, and when He is, everything else falls into place. Our spouses should come second, only to God.

Before we get into the nitty-gritty of what it means to put your spouse first, let’s cover what it does not mean.

Putting your spouse first does not mean you love your husband more. The love for a spouse and the love for a child are different. There is enough room in our hearts for loving our hubbies and our kiddos. Especially considering love is more than a feeling but a choice.

Putting your spouse first does not mean that your kids get less time. You can still prioritize your marriage while most of your time is spent taking care of the kiddos.

Lastly, putting your spouse first does not mean neglecting your child or allowing abuse of any kind. You do not blindly follow your spouse simply because they are your spouse. Needs are still met. Kids are always taken care of, snuggled, comforted, and loved.

What does it mean to put your spouse first?

Marielle Petkoff put it nicely “putting my husband first looks like saving a little of yourself each day.” It means that when you are given a choice, your spouse should come first.

A practical way my mother prioritized my dad happened at every mealtime. My dad’s plate would be the first one served. Did this mean we got less food? Absolutely not. There was always enough food to go around. But this small behavior was my mom’s way of showing us her love and service to my dad.

Belinda luscombe writes, “Loving your kids is like going to school — you don’t really have a choice,” but “Loving your spouse is like going to college — it’s up to you to show up and participate.”

20 ways to put your spouse first

Use nap time as “me” time, so once the kids go to bed, you can spend time with your spouse
Place boundaries on kid activities, so there’s breathing room to enjoy with your spouse
Serve your spouse first at mealtime
When your child tries to pit you against your spouse, pick your spouse’s side (like when daddy says no more snacks, don’t let them have snacks. If you disagree, talk to your spouse.)
Place boundaries so children don’t interrupt conversations with your spouse.
Listen to your husband’s preferences and care about them
If he’s a coffee drinker, make him coffee in the morning
If he has a busy schedule, pack his lunch
Show displays of affection like hugs, holding hands, kisses, etc… often
Text/flirt throughout the day
Make your bedroom a no-kids zone—explain to the kids that it’s “your space”
Say I love you, in front of the kids, daily
Never leave without a kiss or goodbye
Ask and value his opinion on matters of the home
Plan your week together, (meals, appointments, etc…)
Devote time away without kids
Prioritizing date nights or day dates
If mealtimes together are impossible, sit down while he eats his supper
Care/show interest in his dreams, passions and/or career
Pray for him

Benefits to putting your spouse first:

Educates your child. Putting your spouse first teaches your children a good example of a godly marriage. It highlights that having kids does not destroy a marriage but can amplify it, and it exemplifies the biblical idea of “one flesh” and how to lay down our lives for the sake of another. It also ensures your kids know they are not the center of the universe. Nobody wants obnoxious kids.

Fosters a Happy Marriage. Although a happy marriage shouldn’t be the primary goal, prioritizing your spouse cultivates your relationship. One day, your children will leave you, but your spouse should be “til death do us part.”
Marriage that lasts a lifetime. The time you invest in your marriage will be reaped even after the kids leave the nest. A marriage that lasts a lifetime does not wait for kids to leave home. It is cultivated from the very beginning.
Glorifies God. As Francis Chan stated in his book “You and Me Forever”, “God created marriage to be a picture that displaces Christ to the world.” He also says that there is more at stake in our marriage than just our marriage - the Gospel is at stake. Any chance we get to lay down our life for another is an opportunity to glorify and honor God; and marriage is the perfect opportunity to do so.

What does the Bible say?

The foundation of this idea that our spouse should come first comes from the Bible. When we make the decision to get married, we become one flesh. We leave our mothers and fathers and join our spouses (Ephesians 5:31).

From the very beginning, God created woman out of man. Man and woman have been tied together ever since. It took a man and a woman, husband and wife, to populate this earth. Even our physical design was created to work together in harmony.

But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. - Mark 10: 6-9, NIV

Bible verses about putting spouse first:

Like most secondary and tertiary beliefs, the Bible does not explicitly say husbands should come before children. Instead, we can infer this belief in reading scripture as a whole and the purpose and meaning behind marriage. Read the Bible for yourself (the verses below are a good place to start) and discover what it means to you on how to navigate your marriage. Thank God our salvation is not dependent on our priorities in marriage.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. - Ephesians 5:21, NIV

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. - Ephesians 5: 22-24, NIV

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31, NIV

But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,and the two will become one flesh.’So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” - Mark 10: 6-9, NIV

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. - Romans 12:10, NIV

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. - 1 Peter 4:8, NIV
Then the LORD God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.' ... So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. - Genesis 2: 18-25, NIV

A love-filled and happy marriage

It hurts my heart when I see people living side by side and accepting that they have no time to devote to their marriage. They place their hope that one day they may have time to be together.

But what would happen if, for 18 years while children are at home, you don’t water the grass in front of you? Do you think you will have any grass left once your kids leave the nest? Without water and nurture, your marriage will wither away. It will die. You may stay together, but not in a love-filled and happy marriage.

Don’t wait for this season to end. Fight for your marriage every single day. Prioritize it correctly and nurture your marriage any way you can. It may not look how you want right now, but each investment matters.

Be encouraged, dear sister.

Related: 6 Lessons for a Happy Marriage