How do you get your husband to help out around the house?

How do you encourage your husband to be a more involved dad?

How do you - insert all the things we wish our husbands would do?

These questions saturate the conversation whenever moms and wives get together. We are desperate for more help, desperate for involved husbands and fathers, but we don’t know what to say or do. And every attempt gets us pinned as nagging wives, and let’s be real, no one wants to be the nagging wife.

We want good husbands - good Christian husbands - so what do we do?

A Good Christian Husband

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless ........…. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” - Ephesians 5: 25-33, NIV

The Bible calls for our husbands to love us like Christ loved the church. Although it seems like they lucked out, the truth is, they didn’t get the lucky end of the deal when it comes to our roles in marriage.

The love Christ displayed led to death. Think about that for a moment.

Christ loved the church so much…. He loved us so much that he died so that we could be made right. A good Christian husband would love his wife as Christ loved the church. To me - that’s a big deal, an almost impossible role to fill.

Knowing this, we close out Ephesians 5:33 with a call for husbands to love their wives as they love themselves. Seems a bit easier, no? This is probably because we are more likely to love ourselves more than we love God. Let’s not even try to deny this one.

Despite this standard for our husbands, they fall short. They struggle to love us well in the same way we struggle to love them well. It’s a part of human nature and living in this fallen world. So, understanding what our husbands are required to do - love us - how do we encourage them to be good Christian husbands?

Encouraging Your Husband

Years ago, I worked for a commander who had recently married for the second time. During our 6 month deployment, we grew a personal friendship, and he shared with me many of his shortcomings that he believed resulted in the divorce of his first marriage.

He and his wife were dual-military. She was a pilot and he was a support officer. Whenever one of them deployed, they found themselves competing for who had it harder, or who was the better officer. The competition drove a wedge between them that would become irreparable for them.

Now, he was happily married and refused to make the same mistakes. As I listened to his stories, I saw much of my own marriage. Two strong and individual people, navigating marriage and career. I saw the ugly parts of me. The parts of me that thrived to be better than my husband.

But it wasn’t only at work, it was also at home, too. I wanted to be the best. Yet that mentality was the opposite of what Christians are called to do.

We are called to submit to one another.

To serve one another.

To love one another.

And I was failing.

I was so focused on myself. On being the best and on getting my needs met, that I was failing to encourage, uplift, and support my husband. Hearing my commander speak about his failed marriage reignited my dedication to making my own marriage work and serving my husband in the best way possible. Practically this looked like encouraging him in all facets of life.

But, before we focus on our husbands, we need to focus on ourselves. We can’t fix them, but we can fix ourselves. Are fulfilling our own roles and responsibilities? Are we loving, serving, and submitting to them the way God has asked us to?

8 Practical Tips to Encourage your Spouse:

1. Be the example. Our children learn more from what we do than what we say. Likewise, our husbands learn more by our actions than our words. Be the example in your home of what a good Christian spouse should look like.

Love your husband well, serve him unconditionally, and submit to him when the holy spirit prompts you to. But check your heart. If you are doing this out of bitterness or resentment, then there is more that needs work than getting your husband to help out more/be a better partner.

2. Communicate the expectation or need as specific as possible. Don’t expect your husband to read your mind. Talk in a non-accusatory manner and let your husband know that you need them to take out the trash every night. If they forget, gently ask them, “babe, can you please take out the trash?” Some things may not come naturally to them, like taking out a full trash can (insert eye roll). I get it. Just ask. Nicely.

3. Meet them half-way. Even after you ask, your spouse will probably forget. When this happens, meet them half-way. Again, with a loving heart, communicate and tell your spouse. Babe, I washed the dishes, can you put them away while I go shower?

*I know you are probably thinking Cynthia, I shouldn’t have to ask him to do this stuff… sister, I get it. But we’ve all had different upbringings. We are wired to care about different things and some of us are just down-right forgetful.*

4. Opportunity to serve. When your spouse fails you because he will, think of it as an opportunity to serve him. I know that’s not fun. I know this isn’t the easy answer. But no matter how much you ask, you can’t change your spouse. What you can do is change is your attitude every time you have to pick up his dirty socks or throw away his random wrappers.

5. Provide options. If you want your husband to be more involved, provide him options. Do you want to clean up from supper or give the kids a bath? Now you divide and conquer and it’s a win-win.

6. Accept that there is more than one way. I often wonder if we sabotage our own support. We want our husband’s involvement and help, but are we only accepting it if they do it our way. Beggars can’t be choosers, my friend. And your way isn’t the only way. So let go of the control, and accept that there is more than one way, and let your spouse do it his way.

Sometimes we get so lost in all the ways our husbands fail us, that we are blind to the ways they actually love and serve us. Remember there is more than one way to receive and give love. There is more than one way to load the dishwasher and more than one way to do the laundry…. Our way isn’t always right.

7. Be a safe place. Our husbands need to feel like we are a safe place for them. A place where they can be vulnerable and open up. A place where they can share their worries or fears without worrying about concerning us or disappointing us.

When our husbands screw up, how can we show more grace? How can we love them and forgive them and support them so they know we will always accept them? When they are struggling is when we need to uplift them. When he loses a job, listen and remind him of his qualities. Ensure that he knows you trust him and assure him you believe in him.

8. Pray. Prayer is the only solution when all else fails (and actually should be our first course of action, not our last). The holy spirit is the only one that can convict our spouses and change them. When all the practical steps fail us, pray to God. Ask Him to send a role model for your husband. Ask Him to help you serve unconditionally. Ask Him to give you the energy to love your family well. Lay it all at His feet and ask Him to sustain you, because He will.

Encouraging Scriptures for your Husband

If your spouse is a words of affirmation guy, then sending him encouraging notes or scriptures throughout the day can truly fill his cup. Add a love note to his lunch box, or in his luggage before a work trip. Text him throughout the day to tell him you’re thinking of him, or share with him something you are grateful for. Or pray these scriptures over your husband. The options are endless.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9, NIV
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9, NIV
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight - Proverbs 3: 5-6, NIV
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28, NIV
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,] whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. - James 1:2-4. NIV
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. - Romans 5: 3-5, NIV
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7, NIV
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. - Colossians 3: 23-34, NIV
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. - Psalm 143:8
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. - Psalm 55:22, NIV

Prayers for Husbands

Prayer of encouragement for husband download image.png

Prayers are a powerful tool. Prayer is how you can openly share your heart with God and ask Him to respond. Whether He answers it the way we want is not the point of prayer. Instead, it’s handing over our concerns and desires and saying “God, I trust you.”

If you want to pray for your husband’s salvation, I’ve previously shared 30 prayer prompts for your husband’s salvation, just scroll to the bottom of that post.

If you want to pray for encouragement for your spouse, then use the following prayer and tweak it to fit your own situation.

Dear God,

Thank you for caring about the small things in our lives. Thank you for always being available and willing to listen to my heart. You know what’s on my heart. You know the reasons I want to encourage my husband.

But before that, Lord, help me be the wife you created me to be. Rather than focus on his faults, help me to love and serve him well. Show me opportunities to serve him. When I am tired, give me a burst of energy. Highlight the ways I fail you and fail him. Help me to not nag, but instead trust that you are in control.

God, I ask that you send a role model to mentor my husband. Please, send him someone who seeks after you and is able to lead my husband well. Someone who can display what it looks like to be a good Christian husband. Someone to show him how to love me well. Someone to show him what it looks like for a man to participate in caring for the home.

Lord, maybe there is a godly couple that can mentor the both of us, if so, reveal them to us.

When my husband is at work, equip him with the words to say when he is interacting with his co-workers. Guide his hands to do the tasks efficiently and effectively.

When he gets home, help him relieve any stress that burdens him. Temper the anger and emotions that can easily be released on the kids.

Help him love our family well and give him enough energy to serve us well.

Lastly, Lord, help me be a safe place for him. Use me to encourage him, uplift him, and be his helper. I want him to trust that I will always be there for him, and he can trust me with all his worries or concerns. Guide my words and actions so I can be that safe place for him.

In your Sons name,

Amen

Prayer Ideas:

As wives, we have a huge impact on our husband’s life. His legacy can be impacted by the words we pray over him. If you need ideas to pray for your husband, take any of the ones listed below and pour out what’s on your heart.

God doesn’t ask for pretty words, he asks us to just come to Him openly and honestly. Allow the prompts to guide your prayers for your spouse.

Protection from temptation
His salvation
Strength for his weaknesses
Spiritual life
Work
Work ethic
Humility
Integrity
Financial wisdom
Mental, Spiritual, Physical, and Emotional Health
Wisdom in fatherhood
Godly friends
Priorities (work, family, God, etc…)
Patience
Rest
Obedience to God’s will
Attitude
Heart
Self-control
Future

Recommended Resources:

These resources may help your spouse become more involved in the home, or in raising your children, or your marriage. It is as simple as recommending a podcast your heard about and thought he might enjoy (like the Dad Tired Podcast), or buying him a book, or a Bible that you have prayed over and felt he may like.