6 Lessons for a Happy Marriage
/“The first year of marriage will be the hardest,” they said. So, I prepared for our wedding and the impending war that would soon ensue within our new matrimony. I wanted a happy marriage and would do anything to make that happen.
2016 came and went, and although we went through many challenges, we managed them really well.
Advice that came next was, “Once kids come, marriage becomes really HARD.” Again, I armed myself with all the tips to ensure we had a successful marriage. Yet parenthood came, and it didn’t suck away our happiness.
Yes, children provided unique challenges, but not to the point of driving us to hate each other or wanting a divorce.
Year after year, people warned us of the impossible marriage challenges, but very few warnings gave us actual keys for a successful and happy marriage.
So, rather than share all the doom and gloom of the difficulties, I want to encourage you and share 6 lessons learned in the last 6 years of marriage that can help you stay happy in your marriage.
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Important Lessons for a Happy Marriage
What exactly is a happy marriage? We have this idea of what we want our marriage to be like, but is it even possible? If we manage our expectations correctly, then I believe we can achieve a good and happy marriage.
We must recognize that a happy marriage is not a fairytale story. Couples in happy marriages still argue; they still have difficult seasons. However, they hold on to their purpose and can still find joy in the mundane and challenging times.
These lessons should hopefully reframe what happiness looks like and how to achieve it in your marriage.
1. It is not about you
The first lesson for a happy marriage is understanding that it is not about you. When my husband and I first got married, I had this naive idea of what marriage was really about.
I believed marriage was about two people who loved each other and were designed for each other. Because they loved each other, they made a choice to commit to each other for a lifetime of “mostly happiness.”
While I will say we have been blessed with a happy marriage, I realized the true meaning of marriage was something more. Christian marriage is more than two imperfect people who come together in matrimony.
Marriage, as designed in the Bible, is a picture of Jesus Christ and the Church. We see in Ephesians 5:22-33 God’s design for marriage. By committing to each other, for better or for worse, we are accepting this opportunity to show submission to each other and reflect the relationship Christ had with the Church.
In the end, marriage isn’t about us at all. And it isn’t about our happiness. It’s about the God who created us, and the relationship his son has with the church and how we can be an example for the world around us. - Ephesians 5:22-33, NIV
Related: Why You Should Never Compromise in Marriage
Additional Resource:
2. Love is NOT a feeling
Lesson number two is all about love. Recognizing that love is more than a feeling is an important lesson and essential key for a happy marriage.
The day we said “I do” was the day I decided I would always love my husband. At the time, that seemed effortless. We were in love, passionate and new to it all. 6 years later, I see that love is far more than a feeling. Love is a choice.
True love requires dying to yourself every single day. There are days when I don’t “feel” the love for my spouse. Still, on those days, I find a way to show biblical love in the form of compassion, forgiveness, grace, respect, and controlling my attitude (lord knows it’s complicated).
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. - John 16:3, NIV
Related: 4 Tips For When You Don't Feel Like Loving Your Spouse
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3. Spouse before child
Probably the most controversial lesson for a happy marriage is the idea that your spouse should come before your child. Much like you and your spouse left your parent’s home to create your own family, your children will do the same. They will leave you, and although they are a part of you, God willing, they will enter their own marriage and become one flesh with someone else.
Far too often, mothers put their children above their spouses, and it weighs on a marriage. You and your spouse are one team. Regardless of the differences, you need to present yourself as one team when it comes to children. This doesn’t mean you allow abuse or needs to go unmet.
There will be specific times when a child comes first, but this lesson isn’t referring to those unique situations.
When we place our children ahead of our spouse, we risk losing our marriage when kids are no longer in our home. Adapted from one of my favorite quotes (below), the most important thing parents can do for their child is love their other parent.
“The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother” - Theodore Hesburgh
4. Different doesn’t mean wrong
Differences will appear in a marriage no matter how long you’ve been dating. I thought I knew all of our differences, yet I began noticing more subtle differences as the years went on. Disparities in child-rearing, finances, religious beliefs, and even political opinions were already identified, it was the differences in how we show love and support that really stumped me.
One of the most challenging seasons of our marriage was when I felt unsupported by my husband. I had a dream of writing a blog, and writing books, and needless to say, my husband was not interested. He believed it was a fad, so we never talked about it.
The “lack of support” drove a wedge and created a lot of hurt and distance between us, until I realized that what I thought I needed was entirely wrong.
It’s near impossible to be happy in a marriage when your spouse doesn’t support you. Still, I didn’t understand how my husband supported me was different from the way I initially wanted.
The lesson learned was that different doesn’t equal wrong.
I thought support looked like interest in what I was doing or my husband cheering me on along the way. But for him, support looked like giving me the space to write and the financial freedom to do so. Eventually, I realized my husband did support my endeavors, it was simply different than I wanted.
Related: 5 Must-Read Tips for When you Feel Unsupported by your Husband
5. Vulnerability is a must.
The lesson that vulnerability is a must may seem obvious to you, but I didn’t realize what vulnerability actually looked like.
Five years into our marriage, and I was still shedding layers - barriers - that were hiding bits and pieces of who I was. To be honest, I thought I was vulnerable with my husband. It wasn’t until I started dissecting my triggers, that I realized I had been subconsciously hiding parts of me.
My husband and I met when we were in our early 20’s. We got married at 24/25 years of age. That meant that most of our lives were spent without each other. There was no way that 3+ years of dating would allow us to open ourselves completely.
Vulnerability takes time. It takes courage and humility to show our spouses our wounds and scars, to show them our fears and insecurities. Vulnerability goes beyond stripping bare in front of them.
Vulnerability is taking a risk at showing all the ways we feel unworthy and unlovable and trusting that it won’t change our spouse’s love for us.
Vulnerability is an indication that you have placed your trust in your spouse and are willing to take that risk. Vulnerability is what allows the deepest level of connection. Vulnerability is a must, and it will take time, but it is vital for the deepest level of connection and satisfaction in marriage.
Related: Vulnerability of Confession
6. Prayer is Powerful
The last and perhaps most important lesson for a happy marriage is the role of prayer. In my moments of desperation, prayer was the only thing that pulled me through. In the moments I felt like I didn’t like my husband, prayer changed my heart.
As I discovered the quirks that drove me nuts, prayer made a world of difference.
When marriage gets hard, because it will, turn to prayer. Prayer is the only solution when marriage feels impossible. Nothing is too big or too small for God either. Lay it all at his feet.
Whether you feel unloved, unappreciated, or maybe even disinterested in your spouse, pray for God’s wisdom, pray that God changes you and/or your spouse.
Pray that God protects your union.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. - Philippians 4:6, NIV
Related: 30 prayers for your husbands salvation
Additional Resources:
Words of wisdom for newlyweds
As you navigate your new life together, hold onto these lessons learned. Even though the goal of marriage isn’t happiness, it doesn’t mean you will never be happy.
If both you and your spouse hold to the biblical view of marriage, happiness will result. But we must recognize that we will always fall short and disappoint one another.
Instead of focusing on our disappointments, use each circumstance as an opportunity to show God’s love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
When you find yourself in the middle of an argument, rather than allowing your reactions or feelings to take hold, step back and consider how you can show God’s grace or mercy.
Make the choice to love your spouse when you really don’t want to.
Join forces and truly become one team, one flesh.
Ensure your children never become more important than your spouse.
When differences arise, put aside personal opinions and consider whether there is an actual right and wrong answer.
Choose to be vulnerable even when it’s scary or hard.
When marriage gets hard, and you don’t know what to do, pray.
Lastly, remember that happiness is never the goal. Strive to glorify God, serve your spouse, and trust that God will give you the joy and happiness you desire.
What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in your marriage? Share with me below!
