I have written and rewritten this post at least 3 different times. Each time, words failed me as I tried to answer how to love a friend when it’s difficult. I started off by listing all the ways I’ve been there for friends who made it hard to be around, but I could never finish.

Truthfully, I felt inadequate about writing this post. A fraud, even. How could I tell you how to best love your difficult friends when I have failed miserably. Over the last year, I have been so self-absorbed with my pregnancy and David’s TDY’s (military work trips), deployment, etc... I have neglected my own friends.

The Difficult Friend

I have forgotten birthdays.

I’m always the one being invited rather than doing the inviting. I have been so self-focused, I have forgotten about the needs of my friends around me.

I am/was that difficult friend to love.

Maybe you have a difficult friend, too. The one you deeply care about, but something from the relationship drains you… It could be her excess baggage that never seems to end?

Maybe she’s a Debby downer, negativity spilling out of her mouth any time she speaks.

She could even be a one-upper, or overly sensitive/defensive, making you feel like you need to walk on eggshells.

Or maybe, like me, she’s unable/unwilling to focus on anyone but herself/her own family?

No matter the circumstance, loving our friends when it’s difficult is…. Well, difficult.

Called To More

The world tells us that we don’t need that kind of friend in our life. It tells us our happiness is what matters most. Culture tells us to set up boundaries and cut off anyone that tries to cross those boundaries or who doesn’t serve a purpose for us.

Culture tells us we are the center of our own world.

But what if we weren’t? What if we were called to more?

What then? Do we give up the friendship? Do we distance ourselves and hope they don’t notice? Do we confront them despite knowing it might hurt them? Or do we suck it up and deal with it and hope/pray it gets better?

The right answer here looks different for everyone.

The world will tell you that you don’t need a friend like me. I’m too self-absorbed, and you get nothing out of our friendship. But what the world isn’t telling you, is that I need a friend like you. My season won’t last forever. One day, I will be able to pursue you again. To do the inviting out to lunch. To randomly call and check up on you. To bring you dinners or wine and chocolates when life is hard.

But right now, I need you.

I need you to pull me from the weeds within my own home. I need you to remind me I am more than a wife or mother. I need you to step in and bring me a frozen dinner when I am struggling to juggle everything life has thrown my way.

And if it ever gets to that point - I will need you to pull me out of my own self-absorbed world and remind me that the world doesn’t revolve around me (be gentle please). Because relationships were never meant to be a one-way street for too long.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash — Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Loving A Difficult Friend

So how do you love a difficult friend?

By being selfless, especially when they are selfish.

By wearing a compassionate heart, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.

By bearing with one another.

And by forgiving each other.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.” - ‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:12-16

When you find yourself debating on what to do with a difficult friend, pray over your friend and the situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to guide you. Should you stay or go? Should you help? Should you say something?

Ask Him to give you peace on what to do next. You may be surprised by His answer.

In this past season, my friends pursued me when I was unable to reciprocate. They have been patient and kind with me.

They stayed over to watch my daughter while I delivered my son. They invited me over for meals for special occasions so I wouldn’t be alone. They dropped off frozen lasagnas, fresh baked cookies, and special treats galore.

They have remained by my side, but that might not always be the case.

Sometimes, loving a difficult friend means sticking it out when it’s difficult. It means bearing their burdens and loving them and doing things for their benefit (not yours).

13 For you, my brothers, were called to freedom; only do not let your freedom become an opportunity for the [e]sinful nature (worldliness, selfishness), but through [f]love serve and seek the best for one another. 14 For the whole Law [concerning human relationships] is fulfilled in one precept, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself [that is, you shall have an unselfish concern for others and do things for their benefit].” 15 But if you bite and devour one another [in bickering and strife], watch out that you [along with your entire fellowship] are not consumed by one another. - Galatians 5:13-15 (AMP)

Other times, loving a difficult friend might mean letting them go. You cannot carry their burdens for them. You cannot solve their problems for them, nor are you called to save them. There may be circumstances where the best thing to do is walk away and allow God to work through the situation.

Boundaries

The last thing this post is encouraging you to do is to throw away your boundaries and remain in a toxic friendship. One of the first Bible studies I ever completed was called “Boundaries: When to Say Yes. How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life”. Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend do a great job of exploring a biblical view of boundaries.

If you struggle with determining what your boundaries should look like and if your friend has crossed them, definitely check out that book. Every situation and every relationship is different. I can’t prescribe a step-by-step process for loving a difficult friend that would work for everyone. Still, when we take into consideration that not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime, we can rely on the Holy Spirit to guide us.

Ultimately, as fellow believers in Christ, we are called to lay down our lives for others. It doesn’t say, lay down our lives for those that return the favor, It simply says others.

So I challenge you with this, just imagine what it would be like if everyone was focused on serving others rather than themselves…

If you enjoyed this post, you might enjoy “Friendship: For a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime.”