Standing at the store register, I watched as the total increased higher and higher until eventually, I had rung up almost $400 worth of clothes. My eyes grew wide at the realization that I would need to talk to my husband about this purchase (and possibly return some of it).

I went through the items and put back anything that wasn’t necessary. Still, the screen read $313. With my heart beating a little faster, I paid for my items and walked out of the store.

How do I justify these purchases?

What will David think?

Did I need these items?

Questions like these bombarded me as I processed how I would talk to my spouse about money without fighting (or crying). At the beginning of our marriage, I wouldn’t have thought twice about making these purchases. If I wanted, I bought it. But after five years, I learned that kind of thinking lead down the wrong path. Talking about money and our (more like my spending) spending habits was an essential part of our relationship.

Number 1 Issue Couples Fight About - Money

The number one issue couples fight about is money. You would think that as long as you have enough money in the bank, then you wouldn’t have any problems. But the lie detector test determined that was a LIE.

What I came to find was that the problem wasn’t how much money we had or didn’t have, but how we spent it. Not surprisingly, David and I were the exact opposite.

In our marriage, I was the spender, the “free-spirit,” and my husband was the saver, aka “nerd.” If I wanted something, I would buy it, no matter the cost. Amazon packages continuously flowed to my doorstep, and lunch trips out were an almost everyday occurrence.

This behavior created a divide in our marriage. Our values and goals were different. Our philosophies on spending were different. Truthfully, I also think my husband was legitimately concerned I would spend ourselves into a homeless shelter (insert eye roll).

Even though I felt justified in purchasing what I wanted and needed (I am a grown woman who works and makes her own money), I felt convicted in the way I was going about it.

Signs It’s Time to Start Talking About Money

According to a Ramsey Solutions Survey, “One-third of people who say they argued with their spouse about money say they hid a purchase from their spouse because they knew their partner would not approve.” I was part of that one-third and sometimes still am.

When money is an issue in a relationship, it’s easy to come up with quick fixes rather than solving the actual problem.

He doesn’t like our purchases? Well then, we hide them so that he won’t know about them.

He thinks we buy too many books? We put them away before he sees.

He’s going to pay the bills? We run away, far, far away.

The problem with these solutions, besides being dishonorable, is that they don’t actually solve anything. Instead, they cover up the root issue and push away the problem to another time. If we keep at it, we end up on a destructive path towards money imbalance in our relationships leading us straight to divorce.

Signs You Need to Talk About Money:

Lying about purchases (omission is still a lie)
Putting away purchases before your spouse finds them (guilty!)
Tensions rising every time the bills are paid (guilty)
Using a personal credit card so your spouse won’t know (again, guilty)
Feelings of frustration, hurt, anger, etc.… every time marriage finances are discussed (guilty)

1. Start at the Foundation

Conversations surrounding money should never be a one-way street. Instead, discussions should involve both parties. Discuss short, and long-term goals, discuss your upbringing, and how your family managed money. The key is to understand your partner’s money philosophies and for them to understand yours. Money talks should always be a two-way street, even if only one person is working. If this is not the case, have that conversation with your spouse and seek assistance from a trusted mentor, friend, or counselor.

Tip: Don’t have these conversations when you’ve recently paid the bills or gotten into an argument. Remove all emotions from this discussion and instead focus on the way forward. If feelings start to creep in, pause and restart at a later date. Better yet, find yourself a Financial Peace University course at a local church. This course will set you up for success!

2. Develop a Plan

Discuss, Set, and Stick to Boundaries. What does your budget look like? Can you afford fun money? Is there an appropriate threshold where both parties agree to talk before a purchase is made (for example, purchases above $500, etc.) What financial goals do you share as a couple (do you want to buy a house?)? Your plan goes beyond a budget; it’s your collective money mentality. Once you’ve mutually agreed upon something, stick to it.

A year into our marriage, David and I were finally living together and decided that it was time to combine finances. We discussed a “budget” and came up with what we called a “fun money” account. This bucket of money was what we agreed I could splurge monthly for non-essentials such as eating out with friends, random amazon purchases, etc. We also decided that purchases over $200 would be discussed together.

3. Regularly Refine Your Plan

Regularly communicate if something isn’t working. If the boundaries you initially set aren’t working for you or your family, have the conversation before it gets out of control. Problems arise when we let our feelings fester and boil over. Find a moment when neither of you is emotionally charged or stressed and talk about your thoughts. What’s working? What isn’t working?

Although my husband and I both agreed to the idea of a $200 limit, I still found myself consistently overspending. I was more conscious about my purchases, but for the life of me, I could not figure out how to keep my spending under our agreed-upon limit. David always responded with grace and rarely said anything about my habits, yet I would use my personal credit card that he didn’t have access to, to hide new purchases. I would even make purchases after he paid the bills knowing that I would have a month before he would see what I had purchased.

This behavior was and is NOT okay (but you probably already know that…). If you are intentionally hiding or omitting details about what you are spending or doing, you need to understand that you may have a problem and your marriage is on the line. If you can’t muster the courage to talk with your spouse, ask yourself why? Seek help from a counselor or a trusted friend who will keep you accountable.

4. Evaluate Your Heart

Heart Check. When it comes to money, always do a heart check. What is causing the issues or arguments? Do you love material things over your marriage? Does your spouse? Why does talking about money cause fights? Don’t point the blame at him; instead, look inward. What faults can you control? What weaknesses can you change? You can’t control your spouse, but you can control yourself.

When I stopped to think about why I was feeling frustrated with my spouse, I realized I was being materialistic and felt like David was trying to control me. It took a lot of prayer and humility to focus on my own heart and sin rather than my husband’s frugal spending expectations. We don’t have it all figured out, but God keeps working in and through us.

Loving Your Spouse

Having tough money conversations with our spouse can be challenging. It’s vulnerable to open up about our struggles with managing money and wanting to buy everything, but friend, it is essential. Start at the foundation. Talk about where you want to go as a couple. Dream about the future like you did at the very beginning of your relationship. Then develop a plan and adjust as necessary. Ultimately, check your heart. You can’t control your spouse, but you can control yourself. Come into the conversation with humility and a desire to love your spouse well.

How does your household manage finances? Share your tips below!